Friday, March 31, 2006
work it out?
since jon doesnt read this anymore because he can never find the time. i shall rant here. work it out? can we? really? there hasnt been a day in the past week and a half that i havent cried. as of this moment, he might not come back at all. he doesnt even want to come back. getting an internship there is so much more important then any thing. he has confirmed that this long distance relationship will not just last till his graduation [which is God knows when], it will last a long long time because he plans to stay there. look at it this way, at least he is optimistic about us lasting a long long time. have to give him a '1up' for that. i really dont know anymore. if this relationship ends, God always has something better in store. not that i want it to end for that something better, i guess what i am saying is that i'll just let things flow and not worry too much. and pray alot.
4:41pm
to you
song ringing in my head?
now i
i belong to you
all i need
your spirit your word your truth
hear my cry
my deep desire to know you more
in your name
i will lift my hands to the king
this anthem of praise i bring
heaven knows
i long to love you with all i am
i belong to you.
it's still ringing in my head.
5:09pm
franking
a franking we will go, a franking we will go. hey-ho-a-merrio! a franking we will go.
5:44pm
no one
if you havent figured it out yet, i went to frank mail. i told mum that if she gets a franking machine, i will frank all her mail for her. personal franker? anyway, i really need someone tonight, anyone really. i called everyone. but everybody's busy. and hubby is meeting junhao so i dont want to impose. i guess i just want someone to hang with me for awhile. i feel so so alone? hmm. i think i shall count down again. time seems to fly when one counts down.
5 mins more
4 mins more
3 mins more
2 mins more
missed the last two mins. good bye ppl.
<3 1:39 PM <3 12:02 PM
Thursday, March 30, 2006
<3 1:38 PM <3 11:12 AM
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
<3 1:20 PM <3 10:49 AM
Monday, March 27, 2006
<3 1:42 PM <3 9:58 AM
Sunday, March 26, 2006
<3 9:38 PM
Saturday, March 25, 2006
<3 10:39 PM <3 6:42 PM
Friday, March 24, 2006
<3 3:12 PM
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
<3 3:07 PM
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
<3 10:01 PM
Monday, March 20, 2006
<3 8:20 PM
Friday, March 17, 2006
<3 11:45 PM <3 2:17 AM
Thursday, March 16, 2006
<3 12:58 AM
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
<3 5:29 PM
Saturday, March 11, 2006
<3 4:57 PM
Friday, March 10, 2006
<3 9:22 AM
Thursday, March 09, 2006
<3 12:55 PM
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
<3 6:16 PM
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
<3 11:45 PM
Monday, March 06, 2006
<3 6:24 PM
Saturday, March 04, 2006
<3 11:16 PM
Friday, March 03, 2006
<3 8:46 AM
Thursday, March 02, 2006
<3 6:42 AM
10:08am
yesterday
yesterday, from the time i left the office until the time i got home, was pretty much a blast. believe it or not. after work, hubby and i went speed shopping. we actually shopped in 30 mins. inclusive of the trying on of clothes. it felt like one if those tv-show games. haha. i bought a white tank with pale green butterflies on it. and i also got that t-shirt i wanted. on the front it says,"behind every great girl" and on the back it says,"there's a guy checking her out" haha. pretty awesome tee huh! after that we headed for cvc. met my dad on the train. hubby stayed for the whole thing so my folks sent her home after. from her place we headed to eat at chomp chomp. man, that place brings back memories. memories with jonathan in them to be exact. i rememeber when i had dinner there with him and my sis. that was nice. i miss him. miss him so much. anyway, then we headed home and i gave jon a call to wish him good morning and he called me at 1 in the morning to say hi. i wonder how his career fair went.
11:44am
changed
my relationship is different now. i do all the calling ame he never seems the least interested when i call. i always get the impression that he cant wait to hang up. makes me feel really sad. he used to sound so happy when i called. its just really depressing i guess.
12:00pm
lunch
time for lunch. later people.
so full
i have had my fill. the food was absolutely delicious. oyster mee sua and crispy chicken as planned. i was give a pep talk, 'i am not reprimanding you, take it as a motherly talk'. my gosh. you sound nothing like my mum.
4:16pm
hair wash
i think i will fill you in about what happened yst. i woke up at 8 to post my enrolment package. then went home to wake my mum up to go and run, she run i swim. but in the end it was, she sleep i swim. anyway, after that i pretty much just bummed around the house, something i have not done in a long time. i even had a bubble bath. then i did my fav past time, watched tv. i was suppose to go to tots and kids but i decided to go late instead of early, and mum said that by the time i went my teachers would have left already. i wonder if they are still there. anyway, after that i left for identity for gdine to wash my hair. my hair got washed 4 times. felt ultra clean. haha. then i went to have dinner with mum and dad. i was also pretty down yst. but i'm a little better now.
5:39pm
busy
been so terriblybusy. shall and the entry here. still very busy. 20 more mins and i can go. whee!
11:19am
back
i am back with my recept job. so much for the sad goodbyes. i am back working here until the 11th of april or until they find a new recept. whichever comes first. jon's phone is off. i'd really like to talk to him. i guess i'll just wait for him to call.
11:39am
hungry
i am hungry and i wnat lunch. i think i will have oyster mee sua and crispy chicken. it is going to cost me six bucks but that's ok. i will survive after spending that six bucks. mummy got me an abercrombie crop top. its super comfortable. and really nice too. but its like blue so i have yet to figure out what else i can match it with besides black. anyway, have i mentioned that i am hungry? i am really hungry.
11:58am
so near yet so far
2 more minutes to lunch. i am hungry. i think i will go and buy and bring back here. so so hungry. must remember to buy drink also. whee! 12pm. time to eat.
over spent and over ate
i had burger king for lunch. should not have bought the drink and the fries. would have cost me like two bucks less. but never mind. i think i over ate though. hmm. i forgot to get wooden gingerbread men for joyce and jasmine. but i think its ok. i dont work with them anyway, or we dont actually come into contact. i will give them their name things though, i think so anyway.
2.42pm
tired
i just came back from the washroom and i am tired. no connection, i know. but i did just come back from the washroom and i am tired. anyway, i am making the presents now and i have concluded that i will not give jasmine and joyce anything. simply because, i have never actually talked to them and we very rarely make contact so i dont really see the need. baby was suppose to call me back. but he hasnt. and he recieved my package. so happy =) [can you tell?]
3.16pm
baby baby baby
baby called. he likes the card, correction, he loves the card. and i love him. now got to plan what i am going to do for my second month present. he scolded me for spending so much money though. but i thought it was worth it. love you dear.
3.41pm
josh
i have realized that josh has not hung since i got it. ok fine. josh is my laptop btw, for those who have forgotten. ok fine, totally out of point, i know. but it felt relevant when it popped into my head awhile ago. only God knows why it felt relevant. but it felt relevant at that time.
4.01pm
no more
guess what?! i finish working today. i will not be back tmr. today is my last day. aww. i feel like crying. so so sad. i enjoy working here. goodbye everyone. oh yea, better finish making the presents.
4.36pm
done
finished all the presents. i shall take a picture of one and post it when i blog again. they really look very cute. small wooden gingerbread men. i really hope they like it. haha. i am sure they will. i dont think they know my last day has been pushed forward. it's so weird, i was just saying that i dont think i will give them the presents today. then i realize that i have to give them today. feels so sudden. hmm. i think i will go to the washroom first, then i will give it out to them.
4.45pm
franking and cutting
i love franking mail and cutting paper with the big paper cutter.
these are duties that i am going to miss.
5.26pm
the end is near
goodbye everyone. i am glad you liked the present. i have been asked to come back tmr. i shall. since as of now, i have alot of time. super ultra free.
5.45pm
last time
logging off for the last time. i think i will count down again. in awhile. shall bring the camera tmr. hopefully no one is using it. otherwise i will have to survive on my phone. not good. lastly, i think i am falling sick again.
6 more mins
5 more mins
4 more mins
3 more mins
2 more mins
1 more mins
time to go. leaving on a jetplane? haha. close enough lah. toodles.
10.49am
shopping
yst i went shopping. i would not consider art friend shopping but i did go to wisma. hubby and i shopped at isetan/esprit. i bought three tops from esprit. all at $19.90 each. cheaper than topsop? i actually wanted to get this top from top shop, really nice orangey peach top. it was extra small but it came falling over my shoulders. the esprit tops were also a little oversized and they were small. am i really that tiny or are sizes just becoming bigger. but the tops are very nice never the less. there is one more t-shirt i want to get from isetan and i need intimate wear. i also need foot wear. i would like to get a pair of pumps or flats and the sandals from topshop. i wanted to get it yst, but the colour i want, black, didn't come in my size. hubby got three tops. junhao, be prepared to get blown away. hopefully she wears them out and not keep them in a cupboard. hubby, dont you dare!!!
11.05am
no phone
HUBBY FORGOT TO BRING HER PHONE!!!
written for junhao/instructed by hubby
11.25am
waiting for lunch
i have hit a state of boredem once again. and right now there is nothing more i want then to have lunch. actually i need to go to the washroom more. which i will after this. anyway, i forgot to mention that hubby and i had pepper lunch for dinner. we had the shimofuri pepper steak. that was what baby ate when we went to pepper lunch. i miss him. hmm. ok ok. i need the washroom.
11.57am
call me
3 more mins to lunch. i hope baby remembers to call. or i just hope he calls rather. i miss him alot. 2 more mins to lunch. i am hungry. i have no idea what i am going to eat though. must rememeber to draw money, 2 bucks in my wallet. 1 more min to lunch. whee!!! time for lunch. later people.
1:43pm
receipts
i am back from lunch, i had my subway. meatballs. haha. delicious 'slurp'.now i am back in the office, obviously, and i am going to paste my receipts in my medium book of everything. tracking my expenses.
3:28pm
awesome timing
just now i called hubby just as she was about to call me. and we were calling each other to ask the same question. haha. is that precision timing or what. then shortly after that, aunty dora [jon's mum] called and asked me to meet her at plaza sing to get the bag. just as that conversation was coming to an end, jon calls. haha. one after the other. all the people i wanted to hear from today all called. that is definitely what i call awesome timing.
3:51pm
your laugh
you laughed just now. it was nice. its the first time i heard you laugh since you got back from new orleans. you were truly happy during your new orleans trip, and its very likely because you were away from everything. but nevertheless, dont get too worked out about the things that you go through everyday. pray and you will breeze through it. He's always there to take your load upon Himself. one more thing, laugh more k? i like your laugh =)
4:55pm
franking mail
i love franking mail. and i usually frank at 5. so five minutes more. shall frank after this. while waiting i shall tell you how good God is to me. yst i was late for church so i rushed out to get a cab, with only 10 in my wallet. as i flagged down the cab, sean and brother were running out of the estate. think they were rushing for the bus, i offered them a ride. little did i know, they were actually running for sean's friend's mum's car. in the end i was offered a ride. it was all God. time to frank!
5:26pm
hubby's coming
hubby is coming to pick me up. and i end work in aproximately half an hour. i wonder what shopping we are going to do. but i need to go art friend and get stuff for presents. everyone here has been so nice. it's kinda sad that i have to go. but school is starting real soon and they have already hired someone to take the recept job. my last day is wednesday. day after tmr. bummer! anyway, abt another 20 mins more and i can get out of here. i wonder if hubby has come yet. i cant see cause i am inside the office. going to meet his mum in awhile. nerve wrecking.
8 more mins
7 more mins
6 more mins
5 more mins
4 more mins
3 more mins
2 more mins
1 more min
woohoo! i was bored and decided to count down. time to go =)
10:13am
the point
the fact that you will be back after seattle is not the point. the point is that i will be alone from thurs all the way to mon, and i would like it very much if you came back. however, you would like it very much if you were in seattle. doesn't matter, like i've always said, whatever makes you happy. who am i to ask for more.
11:01am
the new girl
so so, there is a new recept in the office. haha. she is getting used to things. she is lucky though, i had to pick up all the calls on my first day, i even got scolded for not answering fast enough. believe it or not. so at least she has a buffer recept to pick up calls she cant get in time. i am happy to be around, and to be of help. must remember to get something for everyone in the office. maybe i will go after work. art friend anyone?
11:40am
hungry me
i am hungry. my tummy is growling away. i think i will get subway from raffles city when i go buy my bible later. havent eaten subway in a long time. and i need a small bible to carry around. my bible is just too big. and if i carry it around too much, eventually i am going to bring grave damage to it. and i hav e no intent on doing that to a bible given to me by my dad.
11.56am
miss him
i miss jon. no matter how upset i am with him, it doesn't change the fact that i love him. so i miss him alot. time for lunch now!
jon's mum couldn't make it, so i haven't gotten my bag yet. she said she will pass it to me sometime during the week. while i am at work. not a bad thing.
crystal jade has very nice barley.
i had a good time at crystal jade. odd but true.
i dont understand you. you keep saying you miss me and you want to see me, but at the very first chance you get, you plan a trip to seattle.
if you have no intention to come back then dont bother. if you feel that your only coming back because i need you to then forget it. i dont need anything from you. i want you to come back because it would be very nice if you were here. but if you think you will be doing me a favor then please dont. i really do not need any favors from you. if this relationship ony goes as far as the phone then so be it. but if that's the case, dont expect it to last very long.
went for dinner at s11. after that we walke the pasa malam ie night market. i got some pretty cool stuff.
that is my name! haha. like duh! mummy and andrea have one too.
i think this is minty cool? x)
finished my medical today. got all my documents settled. done my online enrolment. now al i need is to send in the enrolment package. and i am all set to start poly. [or go fr orientation anyway]
my laptop bacpac is settled. and i will have to meet jon's mummy tmr. vending machin at main church. note to self: lady carrying bag. i cannot remember what she looks like simply because i only saw her for a brief second and that was it. so what i have is a brief impression. God help me so that i will not make a fool of myself.
happy 1 month baby <3
congratulations to
-hubby and juhao
-melissa and dennis
-li siew and bf [sorry, i realized i never asked for his name]
-and to anyone else who just happens to be attached on the 25th or married today]
today i paid my poly fees. my gosh! tertiary education is super expensive. thank God for the tuition grant and cpf scheme. after that i went to check out the ishop at cine. its called the club 21 ishop. it's a showroom cum shop. and it's totally huge, almost like a library or one floor of the kino at ngee ann city. can you imagine, a shope that big selling nothing but 'i' merchandise?! totally sweet. i found the absolutely wonderful laptop sleeve that chris has. it comes in a gorgeous blue but i might end up getting the black one coz its bright orange on the inside. not bad huh?!
after oggling my laptop sleeve [prophetic speaking? (=], i decided to get some stuff from cheers. then i figured since i was so near mandarin, i would get hub something too. and looking toward the fact that i did not tell her that i was coming it was a pleasant surprise on her part. it was also because i got her siew mai and green tea, FOC can?! haha. what a wonderful hubby i am.
i just called my mummy too. my mummy is in hong kong/china. wanted to hear what the ringing tone of a phone in hong kong sounded like. not that i havent heard it, i think i kinda forgot. or maybe i was just finding an excuse to say hi to my mum. haha. i think its the latter. anyway, this post has stretched over one hour. if you have not guessed yet, i am in the office. and i am pretty bored. bleh! later i have back up. i am the only one going. dad has meet the parents session until 8 and there is no one to bring andrea. so only me
have i mentioned that i miss my baby? oh yea, i did. well, i miss my baby. very much. more now than ever for some reason. i promised hans i would go for activities sunday but hub might not be going so that would mean i will be going on my own. furthermore, the small group isnt going either. they want to go for lunch and a movie. so that means they have no intention whatsoever to go for activities sunday either. with those considerations aside, there is one more thing. mummy is not in sg, that means if i leave, it will only be andrea and daddy. not good. so i am pretty torn with what to do on sunday. oh oh, i might be meeting jon's mum on sunday. jon has a dicota bacpac rain laptop bag for me. it's wonderful to have a bf that buys too many bags or has the ability to convince himself that he needs new ones. haha. but meeting his mum? i was practically shaking when i called her, can you imagine meeting her.
hey baby, guess what?! tmr is the 25th. 1 month baby (=
i am bored. very very bored. run out of things to do.
today i spent my lunch at identity. haha. i bought the whole crew lunch, or i helped them buy lunch rather. 7+1 packets of duck rice. zoey is absolutely touched. hees. i like going back there. feels like a second family, alice is the mother. haha. i bet hubby will agree. and besides, it's not like i actually have anyone to eat lunch with, so it was definitely 1 hour well spent.
baby has gone to sleep. i think he works too much.
the long distance thing is starting to get a little easier. now that i have so much to do everyday, it doesnt hurt so much. i still miss him alot but not as much as when i bummed ard. to the point when it was unbearable. i guess keeping occupied is good too.
here is an addition of lame-
allison: i am going home to play with josh
gdine: haha
junhao: how do you play with josh?
allison: i turn him on and push his buttons
junhao: oh...[with, what looks like, a cheeky smile on face]
gdine: haha
[my hubby is a woman of few words]
no no, jon and i have not broken up. and no, i am not two-timing him. haha. so dont worry baby. josh is my laptop. i decided, since baby spends so much time with sarah i.e his bolster, i should name the thing i spend the most time with too. my laptop! therefore, my laptop's name is josh. so so, have you met josh? haha.
work just keeps getting better. everyone is really nice now, i guess we have just all warmed up to each other. the koropok cindy gave me was very nice. haha. hubby was suppose to meet me after work to go shop, but she wasnt feeling well. wonder what happened? hope she is feeling better. it's a good thing too that she didnt come, carol forgot to pay me today. haha. so if she came i would have no money. better remember to ask carol tmr.
dr tan says my skin is looking alot better. which is good. and baby is in new orleans so i cant talk to him much. i miss him. and i stashed chocolate in my drawer at work. haha. yes yes, i have my own desk and ext line. not that anyone ever transfers calls to me since that is my job, transfering calls. haha.
neil patterson spoke today at cvc. it wasnt to bad a sermon. he was talking abt john the baptist and how the bible is, at this present moment, the most accurate log of current events. it's actually pretty interesting how everything that is happening now has already been noted down in the bible that was written some thousand years ago.
hey hub! can we go shopping on mon evening, aft i finish work? shops dont close till nine, so we have like 3 hrs. what do you think?
baby on a plane to new york right now. i ray he gets there safely and everthing will run smoothly for him. i can tell how much he wants it. and i pray he gets it.
work was not too bad today. it got a little boring at times but all in ll it was pretty ok. the crispy chicken at the snack it shop, situated at the basement of ps, is absolutely to die for. all that have a chance, go and have a try.
after that had cvc. hubby wasnt there today. she was celebrating her dad's bday. she will be there tmr though. or actually later on. haha. have something for her. one month present. hees. i hope she likes it. will do it while i am at work. sure got time. haha.
right now i am skyping and it is 2 in the morning. the things i do for my baby. =)
went to be zoey's model after work. she filled the re-growth and added copper highlights. it is not exactly obvious on the surface but its pretty awesome beneath. i kinda like it. alice says that it would be nicer if the highlights were louder, colour wise. and alice's son is so cute. he loves his mummy so much. i m so touched by how fillial he is. maybe it's because he is so young but it's still cool. you dont get to see children being so fillial in public once they hit 'old age'. ohoh! i helped him open his packet of food and e gave me a goodbye hug too. have i mentioned that he is so cute? well, he is!
back to my first day. guess who i saw today. i saw cephas. haha. he was walking round singapore hopping centre looking for a pool place. and he walked pass the agency. so i guess its a good thing that i am right in front on the door. haha. it was really nice to see him. made my day that much better. and jon, sent me three voice msgs. hees =) so cute. they were so loving too. i think i re-played them at least three times. haha. what a wonderful guy.
instructed by hubby:
gdine passed zoey the aluminium foils during the highlighting of my hair. i am forever grateful. haha.
for hubby:
you owe me two bucks gdine! haha.
i went shopping yst. bought two tops, two pairs of pants and 4 pairs of ear rings. fine, i bought 8 but 4 were for mum and andrea. and a very sisterly and filial thing going on with me yst. there wasnt one thing that hub and i bought that wasnt on sale.even the ear rings were only $2 a pair. there is the exception of hub's converse shoes but they would have been discounted if it wasnt a new item. and my pants, i feel, were the best deal. i got both for $49. it was a buy one get one free thing and they were both $49 each. so i am kinda proud of that. haha.
i also went swimming yst with hub and my sis. it was really fun. havent been swimming in a long time. we did this 'lap and treat' thing in the water. after every lap we get a treat. we took turns to sit at the edge of the pool to give out the treat. lays potato chips. haha! so you swim one lap and lose the calories then you come back for chips and gain it all back. oh the irony!
i have a job already. guess what i will be doing. RECEPTIONIST!!! haha. soon i can become a professional receptionist. someone should start a dip. in receptionism. haha. i would ace the class for sure. i start work tmr. only 5 days a week so hub and i still can go out on sat. woohoo! we can ice skate after all. eventually anyway.
now i am just staring at my laptop. yea, MY laptop. and waiting for jon to finish working. can get boring at times but he is still fun to watch. love my baby
i started the day pretty high spirited. and now i am pretty much in the slumps. so tired and down. was suppose to go shopping today with hubn but things didnt go as planned. i still want to go out, but i just have no idea who to go with. i dont want to shop though. not without hub. so i am kinda down that things didnt go as we expected. so tempted to skip church tmr to shop. but i guess i shouldnt. will see if my mum goes to church tmr.
church is becoming more and more chore-like. i feel unfed, mulnutritioned and dead. mum wants me to go for the mission trip to india. but i dont want to. i dont want to go on my own. as in the only member of the family going. kinda sux really. not the mission trip, the fact that i dont feel like going sux. i do not know what is going on with me. i just feel upset. and its been pretty perpetual, this feeling. things just dont seem to be working out for me. i hate this feeling.
jon's flight got cancelled. so once again, he will probably be coming back for summer. i dont know whether to be happy that he is coming back or to be upset because he missed his interview. all i want is for him to come back. i miss him so much and it hurts so bad. maybe he is right, maybe i really cant hold on to a long distance relationship. then what does that conclude? that we break up? that we take time off till he comes back? if he comes back? i wonder which one will kill me more, long distance or breaking up?
baby is flying off to new york tonight i think. or its tonight for me anyway. pray for safety there and back and that the interview goes well. also pray for his health because he still sounds pretty sick.
baby, please stop drinking. or at least until your flu and cough have cleared up ok. love you loads. all the best for the interview.
now i shall put in my two cents worth on tammy's sexapade. everyone says she made a mistake, that we should not judge her. blah blah blah. let me ask you this, would a girl with even a little bit of integrity or decency allow her boyfriend, or anyone for that matter, film her doing it?! women sg are starting to lose thier supposed asian decency, i honestly dont blame tammy for havining the guts to do what she did. sure things turned out horribly wrong for her but the first step was filming it in the firt place. and ppl do not film things and keep them in a cupboard. films are meant to be shared. its an unwritten rule. and someone will fullfill it eventually no matter how private the film is. all i am saying is, i have been dawned with the realization that as much as there are so many ppl showing tammy great sympathy. for the first time, i am going to say that she brought it all on herself. by finding it in herself the guts and odacity to do a film of such nature.
article retract: caucasian men exclaiming that it is easier to get a singaporean girl to bed them than to get a plane ticket home. survey done a long time ago. however, i think i dont club enough tp know what it is like to be those women. or to even know them personally. but i bet underneath all the physical neediness and easy-to-bed personality, these are pretty spectacular women. the very fact that they can afford to lounge at bars where caucasian men roam prove that they are very well-off. and very possibly successful. what is it that drives women to behaviors of such. maybe its the same feelings that drive me? only not to such an extreme. i bet my hubby noes what i am talking abt. i really dont know if it meant anything, but it definitely felt like something. doesnt change how i feel though. dirty little secret?
something's changed between him and i. i get the feeling that i'm gonna get dumped soon. and half the time i am always right. we talk for a whole hour and there is no 'baby' at all. 'dear' is heard maybe three times at the very most. and until i asked, there was no 'i love you' at all. even the goodbye was sad, 'goodnight allison, bye bye'. maybe he was just grumpy or still upset abt yst. but it felt really bad. i felt really bad. i dont want things to change. i fallen to deep into this relationship for things to change. i love him too much...
people actually read my blog. i guess the fact that my counters actually increase is prove enough. what i mean is, real people actually read my blog. people i pass day in day out with mere impressions read my blog. the whole 'i write what i want when i want even if i piss ppl off because this is my blog' attitude just got thrown out the window. and 'righting all that i feel and not hiding anything' just got brought to a whole new level. terribly sorry if i pissed anyone off. and you, the reader in particular. will run my entries through a 'possible occuring consequence' filter before i post them. really really sorry.
to the person concern. i dont want to be the source of your hurt. i do not wish to constantly get you upset. do come to the relization that i do feel for you. i love you very much. and if you dont believe me then there is really nothing more i can say. you jumped from one person to another too and you know tht it is no different. all i know is that you say you love me and i will take your word for it. you call me your baby, and i believe i am only yours. that alone makes me feel like the most blessed girl in the world. the fact that there is someone like you who loves me, cares for me, wants to protect me, wants to hold me and keep me is more than enough. i hope it is the same for you. you are the mot special person to me. and i pray that the fact that i love you is enough to make you realize how special you are in my eyes. i love you, i really do.
tada!
if you happen to be mel or louise, you would recognise it because you gave it to me.
today, i lovingly stood hubby up [i told her first of course] and stayed home and talked to jon. firstly because things were not too good at that moment [but it got better] and i was in one of my depressed moods again. but my hubby is so wonderful and she doesnt hold it against me [i dont think so anyway]. this is the first time, in a long time, that i went through an entire day without seeing hubby. meeting her for breakfast tmr at the prata house. woohoo! mushroom and cheese here i come, dont forget the milo dinosaur. gee! i am hungry already. i will be getting my atm card done tmr too. dbs i think. i kinda like the dbs atm card, it looks rather professional. haha.
i realised something abt myself. from the last cgl training session, i have liked him. as in really liked him. in didnt start off as much. however, at camp last year, i fell flat. he emitted an aura of Godliness ard him that made him so attractive. at the same time, it made him so scary to come close to. the fact that he loved God so much and was so in touch with him made me feel inferior to him. and i thought to myelf that he would make the perfect partner. but nothing between us happened. instead, jon came along. the same jon that have held a torch for since the first time i saw him two years ago. had to think nothing of it though, he was attached. but this time he was single. and the other guy went out the door? i think if jon never came along, i would still be pining week aft week over camp guy. that is what we shall call him, camp guy. dont get me wrong, i do love jon. but at the same time, it makes me feel kinda sad that it seems like i have subconciously created a list of guys i would like to go out with and i react and invest whole heartedly in the ones that respond. tell me something? is it wrong to do things the way i do? like a on of them and wait for one to respond accordingly? hmm. i dunno. all i know right now is that i have gotten a response and i am holding on to it. i love you baby.
joh was today, and i feel that the number of times i stared at myself aimlessly in front of the tele, watching myself do the dance over and over again, really paid off. i think i did pretty ok. but it was with God by my side.
i got kinda pissed with jon today. i learnt how irritating it is to talk to someone who is drunk. not that i didnt like the accent, i did. but at the same time he sounded arrogant and pompous. some rich kid in LA and he isnt even in LA. hmm, i probably should not have gotten pissed, but i guess i was just hoping he was actually sitting at home and doing nothing. i forget he is 23 sometimes. and i think the excessive clubbing bothers me. i dont know why. maybe i am still pmsing. but i doubt it. my period's almost over. whatever the case, i love him and nothing's changed.
so at 7.50 i check my results and wait in agony. 'pharmaceutical sciences in rp'. i laugh and think, 'i knew it!' but later realize that rp is in freaking woodlands. there is now way i am traveling to woodlands every morning. not even if you gave me a car. ok fine, maybe if you gave me a car. but i will probably get lost along the way. can you imagine getting lost every morning?! so, still feeling agonized, i surf the net refreshing the jpsae page over and over again hoping for some grace to shine on my situation. but to no avail.
later on, my mum, who i must say is more anxious than i am, prompts me to check my email. and it's there. the letter of the year, my ticket out of rp. can you guess? come on, at least try. yea, your right [unless you were thinking that i miraculously entered into a jc or some prestigious school soughted me out and gave me a scholarship then you would be wrong] i got my marketing. and nyp is in ang mo kio. whee! more sleep for me. and busines law for me. and opportunities of abundance await. haha. i am just really high and happy so dont mind me.
i had a real nightmare last night, not that there are fake ones. but it was one that really got me scared, and that rarely happens. so it goes like this, i get a phone call. the first voice i hear is faint and it turns out to be abriel's voice. he says that he misses me and loves me more than anything in th world. then a second voice interjects, turns out to be colin's voice, saying the exact same thing. Not long after, I hear a third voice, one I recognise this time. it's jon's. brings a huge smile to my face. he says the exact same thing, i miss you and i love you more than anything in the world. before i know it i hear the voice of every single guy i have ever gone out with. it makes me realize how many meaningless relationships i have been in. and that it' not easy to discern which relationship is actually true. anyway, for each person that speaks, water appears and before i know it, i am drowning. erm, you know in the movies where the character cant seem to wake up from their dream, where they know they are dreaming but they just cant get up? that was kinda what happened to me. there i was drowning away and i knew i was dreaming, but for soem reason, i just could not wake up. in the end my sis woke me up, she said i was kicking and screaming. can you guess the two thing i screamed? water and wake up. i pray i never have a dream like that again, it just reminds me of the possibility of this relationship not working out, that he'll just leave like all the rest. and the fact that he isnt even ard just makes it that much harder.
hmm, as far as how my day went, there really isnt much to say. i must say this though, office politics are scary and childish. even adults hold grudges and squabble only its given a nicer name 'office politics'. beside that, it was pretty much a bore or it could have been due to the fact that i slept the whole day. (=